Its Actually Pretty Simple!

Just Say Know
by Russ Jahn

We do not believe that we have all of the answers. We do believe that we know what the questions are and how you can Be Free Again!
From the name of our organization, “Just Say Know”, one might think that we want to talk about drug and alcohol abuse and how to stop it. But that is not our primary purpose. Instead, we want to talk about what we believe causes the drug and alcohol addictions as substance addiction is merely the symptom to the underlying problem. We only wish to share our experience in identifying and treating the problem instead of treating the symptom... However it is also essential to first stop the physical act of using the alcohol or drug. We cannot stress the fact enough that alcohol and drug abuse are not the problem! They are simply the devastating symptom(s) of our real, underlying problem!

So you may be asking yourself what the real underlying problem is? We believe that the genuine underlying problem is life: how we interpret it, how we deal with it, and how we feel about it and ourselves. Examples of this problem include feelings of not fitting in, not being good enough, or not being as good as others. To get over these feelings we use alcohol, drugs, or any other mood-altering chemical to make us feel good. Consequently become addicted to the alcohol, drugs, or mood-altering chemical – addicted to feeling that we fit in, feeling that we are good enough, or feeling as though we are as good as others... Our drug or alcohol addiction is simply used to deal with our feelings. Addictions come in many forms, with alcohol and drug abuse being most recognizable. But whatever form the addiction takes – alcohol, drugs, gambling, overeating – it can, and eventually will, be devastating to ourselves, family, and friends! We believe that the basis of life’s problems are feelings and how we deal with them.

Do you know the six primary feelings? Can you name them? They are:

Glad

Mad

Sad

Afraid

Ashamed

Hurt

Of these six there is only one “good” feeling; which is glad. The remaining five are “icky”, uncomfortable feelings. No one wants these! And of these five, the most detrimental and toxic feeling is shame!

We were taught [and most of us teach our children] to be ashamed of thoughts, words, deeds, and feelings. When we teach them right from wrong, and good from bad, essentially we just may be teaching them to be ashamed of themselves? Although they are things that must be learned, we must be careful on how we teach these principles! For example, a mother might ask her child, “How do you think that makes me feel?”, or “What will the neighbors think?”; and a father may say, “Be tough, don’t cry”, “Don’t get angry”, or “What have you got to cry about?”. When children are presented with this manner of being taught by their parents, a child may experiences any number of those five “icky” feelings. Moreover, the message being presented to the child is that those feelings are WRONG! And not only wrong, but also BAD! Further, when an adult tells a child, “we want you to grow up to be somebody”, what the child is likely hearing is that they are NOT somebody and should do BETTER! Although this may not be the intent of the adult, nevertheless, it is the message being conveyed... and shame necessarily attaches.

For us, parents, teachers, and clergymen always wanted us to do things right or perfectly. There was NO room for mistake or errors! We were expected to be perfect, and that is impossible – always leading to shame in being a failure... Consequently, as children we tend to hide failure with dishonesty. This becomes a learned behavior. Ironically, Chapter Five in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous reiterates that hope in the recovery from alcoholism is only possible if the individual has the capacity to be HONEST! Has anyone reading this ever NOT lied? Why do we lie? Can you give one excuse or reason to lie? We believe that we lie to cover up a mistake – either real or imagined... Think about a lie that you have told... Was it to convince someone that you didn’t make a mistake or commit a wrong? We were taught that it is wrong to be wrong, and that when we admitted to a wrong or mistake, there are consequences that were almost always in the form of punishment; physical and/or verbal. We never received discipline!

Stated simply, we must teach children that it is okay to make mistakes. We also need to allow them to make mistakes. We must teach them that there are consequences, but that consequences will first begin with discipline, only followed by punishment is necessary... Discipline means “to teach”. How do we teach? Perhaps we share our experiences with making mistakes and how we felt when we made them?

In the beginning we said that we don’t have all the answers. We do believe that we know the questions: How do you feel? How do I feel? Is it okay to feel the way I do? Is it okay to make mistakes?
What are we teaching children about feelings – what to do with those feelings, and where to go with those feelings? We used bury our feelings through drug and alcohol abuse because the shame was overwhelming! How are children interpreting what we teach them? Are we teaching them that they don’t have to feel ashamed? Or do our children watch us drown our feelings in a drug or alcohol induced fantasy?
What is the message that we are sending? The answer to that question can mean the difference of whether or not the viscous cycle of drug and alcohol abuse manifests itself in your family.